Mediation and the Dynamics of Divorce and Separation

When couples separate, one spouse generally makes the decision to leave the relationship, and the other spouse is left to struggle with that decision. The person leaving usually has had the “luxury” of an intact marriage to ponder whether separation is the right choice. That person may take weeks, months or perhaps even years to finally make the choice to end the relationship. The other spouse may be completely unaware that his or her partner has struggled with the decision to leave.

Alternatively, he or she may be aware of problems but may opt to avoid or ignore them. When the ultimate decision is delivered, that spouse often has feelings of fear, confusion, abandonment and distrust.

Psychologists will tell you that the anxiety created by this scenario is one of the greatest stresses that a person may face in his or her lifetime. In most instances, it is even greater than the loss of a loved one to death.

Why is this so? The end of a relationship raises so many fears: fear of being alone, fear relating to the children’s emotional health, concerns about economic security, fear of being disenfranchised from children, fear of the court system, and fear of the economic impact that prolonged litigation will have on the family.

If these concerns were not enough, communication becomes severely compromised, and each person’s ability to trust one another is destroyed. Children are exposed to an environment filled with distrust, anger and icy silence, and they may continue to be exposed to this atmosphere for years if litigation or negotiation between attorneys moves slowly.